Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Let me tell you about my goal.

OK, as you may have noticed, I haven't done yoga since last Wednesday. As the days went by without the yoga, I said to myself, "Self, you are pathetic. You can't even do this yoga thing 40 days in a row? Where's your WILLPOWER? Hmm, it's not around today. OK, I'll make it up at the end." After awhile this changed to, "So why aren't you doing yoga? Don't you want to feel relaxed? No, wait, I feel plenty relaxed without the yoga, and in fact, the yoga is starting to stress me out!
Stress you out? Self, what are you talking about?
Well, the yoga has gone from something I want to do and feel good about doing, producing restful results, to something I'm pretty much dreading every day.
Why would you dread it??
Well, the pressure to just accomplish it every day, in the framework of my stated goal, was more at the forefront of my mind when doing it, than actually enjoying it. Sort of doing it and being glad it was over so I could check it off. And not being that relaxed about it, really. A sort of panic to not slip up.
So let's see, have you felt irritable and impatient during all these days you've been slacking off on the goal?
No! No, in fact, I feel more relaxed about, well, abandoning the goal and not having that pressure every day.
But quitters never win! That's not you! You can't just abandon your goal!
You're right, I would feel COMPLETELY LAME if I totally gave it up. I'm thinking that I'll only feel, maybe, 60% lame for finishing out this week's break from my goal before starting again! Then I can complete the last 12 days in a row, call it even, and let myself stop.
But your goal is all about reaping the benefits of continuity! You've totally failed already!
Yes, but aren't I supposed to be learning from this yoga? Feeling like a failure accomplishes nothing! It's not relaxing! I realize now that my expectation of 40 days of straight yoga, the same program, over and over and over again, was unrealistic! I need a freakin' break! And the break is letting me realize I don't want to abandon everything, I'll do 12 more days of the program, but I'm also not going to keep adding days at the end and making myself crazy! C'mon, this is what I'm trying to avoid in the first place: anxiety, pressure, perfectionism!
But you're not perfect! You are a chumpus who fails and flakes out!
Well yes, Self, we went over this. I guess I am weak, a little bit. But at least I'm not giving up completely!
But you weren't perfect and you have to feel bad now!
But . . . perfect!
But . . . NO! I'm tired of this discussion, we've had it so often over the past 15ish years, I'm just admitting once again that I have flaws like everybody does! Can you please get that through your thick skull?
Well, it's your thick skull, too; you're talking to yourself.
Oh, right. I know. I just . . . stupid yoga goal, maybe it was more trouble than it was worth. Setting myself up to fail and all that.
No, I think it's been very informative. 12 more days, starting tomorrow, forget about this week, and then you can do any yoga program, anytime you want.
Good, I like the basic stretch program!
Really? Me, too!
Yoga is fun, but I need some variety, some flexibility, and some self-acceptance.

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