Thursday, May 31, 2012

a B- just for showing up

Well, I am back!  Back from my self-imposed exile from most computer things.  It's been over 2 months!  I've learned several key concepts that I will share here, and in the next post I'll tell you what I've been up to.

1. It's been REALLY great to not be on Facebook anymore.  Anyone reading, here is some advice: Quit Facebook!  It's so liberating.  A. quit before me, and I helped at least one other person quit, too.  Yeah, I worried about disconnecting from "all the people who I don't stay in touch with any other way", but you know what? -- what am I trying to say -- look, if you only connect on Facebook, how strong is that relationship really?  I am tired of passive friendships I guess.  Does this mean I have fewer "friends"?  Yes, I suppose.  Does this bother me?  I would have said yes a couple months ago, but now, not really.  My mind is just calmer and I have more space to myself.  I'm just going through a friend-meager phase in life (again).  Whatever, I never seem to have many friends, so no big deal.  At least the friends I currently have, I actually see in real life!  Or they can always call or email. ;)

2.  That all being said, I've learned that I'm happier when I share.  I know, it sounds so simple and stupid, but it's true.  Trying to not "waste time" by blogging, and not "get sidetracked" by doing my life comics, has actually made me feel worse.  Worse than what?  Well, my usual baseline "exhausted parent" mood.  (More on that in a future post.)  So I really do need to get my thoughts out, whether on paper, on the blog, or both.  If I don't, A. recently helped me discover that my mind and heart start to make an icky sauerkraut of my emotions.  I don't even like sauerkraut to begin with, so when this occurs, it's really quite sad!  It's like being disappointed with a bun full of sauerkraut when you're expecting a bun with a nice juicy hot dog.  Anyway, the longer the sauerkraut sits, bottled up, the more fermented it gets until sometimes it's a kimchee of depression!  NOBODY WANTS THE KIMCHEE OF DEPRESSION!!!

So I hope to be blogging more, sharing more.  Just to get it out.  Not to compare myself to others or to compete or brag or show off or make my life look perfect.  Let's face it, most people only share the good stuff, so their lives look perfect, and then you come along and read all about it, and of course your life looks crappy by comparison!  Anyway, after my hiatus, I'm not afraid to come on the ol' blog and say, "hey, my life is really good and has its awesome moments, but you know what?  It's also full of frustrations and tears and loneliness and crap!" So there!

Not to get overly analytical or anything -- OK, yes, to get overly analytical -- I can't help it -- I feel like the blog is different from Facebook because it's just for me.  Yes, I'm sharing it with a broader audience, but I'm not expecting anything in return.  Maybe 6 or 7 people read this blog -- I don't know, I never bother to check and comments are rare -- but it's better than having 90 people I know just ignore me.  Or something.  I don't know.  If you know me, feel free to de-lurk and comment, or email me, or whatever.  Or don't.  I'm not just fishing for comments because I just don't care anymore.  I'm just emoting for mental health.  AND, blogging is not the constant barrage of what everyone else is doing, like Facebook was.  Too much fodder for comparisons, jealousy, snarky curiosity satisfaction, and just plain stupidity.

3. Along those lines, my hiatus has taught me that I can go ahead and stop worrying about "what I'm doing" -- like writing my book, doing art, whatever.  I don't have to experience a constant pressure to be doing something important/impressive, or explain (to whom exactly?) why I'm NOT working on something important at any given time.  I'm just trying to do my best at raising my kid, and trying to live in the moment and be happy, and not go crazy or anything.

That's the B- just for showing up.  A. told me this morning, "You know, this job you're doing [raising E.] is really hard!  You get a B- just for showing up!  That's passing -- it's actually pretty good -- so don't worry about trying to be perfect all the time.  You're already doing really well just for the regular routine, so all this other stuff is bonus!"

Does that mean I'm giving up all my goals and dreams?  No!  It just means I'm not WORRYING about them.  They'll happen at some point, some way somehow.  I don't need them to haunt me at every waking (and sleeping) moment. (Yeah, I've been dreaming a lot lately, dreams about school and extra credit assignments and homework and intellectual competitions . . . ?!)  I think for a while, with being a parent, I really was convinced that my goals and dreams were over and I'd never get to do anything else with my life again.  But now I know that this is a choice.  I can at least TRY to work on my stuff when I can, or I can give up completely and have a self-fulfilling prophecy of constant slavery surrounding my child.  It's all about attitude.

5. That said, I've learned that I need to do make time for more fun things for myself.  Like watch Bollywood movies!  And do sun salutations daily! (I really have been doing them daily, first thing!  I do a super-doable four: two on each side.  Don't laugh, I make it easy so I can have a sense of accomplishment for my 2 minutes of yoga!!  I plan to add more when I feel ready . . . which is not yet.)  And I need to let the caffeine flow freely, and take my vitamins, and get out in the sun (or turn on all the lights if when it's raining), and garden, and read books, and take time in the evenings and E's naps for my little projects, and go to the coffee shop, and try to start sneaking in my projects while she's awake (she'll just have to get used to it!!!), and go to my exercise class, and cook fun things, and listen to fun music . . . et cetera.

Next up (when I get the time) is a post of what I've been up to lately, just because I feel like sharing
(and because I drew some comix about it a while ago)!  Welcome back, me!